The Great Race
by gookFish
Summary: The average Mario Kart race from a more realistic perspective.


You're driving in the Mario Kart Grand Prix. Mere moments after the race started, green Koopa Shells are flying in every direction imaginable, and you barely miss a banana peel lying on the road amid the chaos.

You take a sharp turn to the left, and then abruptly drift to the right, as the purple-clad Waluigi tries steering into your vehicle using a mushroom-powered boost. This dangerous maneuver is accompanied by a deafening ' _WAHHHHHHHHHHHH'_ that could wake the dead, as the lanky madman swerves across all three lanes like a giddy high school girl who's just earned her driver's permit. However, the spin-off-only character just narrowly misses you and nabs fourth place, just like always, and leaves you to bite his dust.

Shortly thereafter, the chugging of a diesel-fueled motorcycle fills the air as Waluigi's hefty compatriot, Wario, lobs a Bob-Omb in the direction of the malnourished lunatic, ultimately destroying him and his vehicle in a calamitous explosion.

The blast results in a yet another shrill, agonized _"WAHHHHHHHH"_.

You drive past the wreckage, following the racetrack through narrow passageways, over ramps and across various obstacles, relieved that it wasn't you in Waluigi's unfortunate position. As you come around a wide curve, you see the finish line off in the distance, anxious to finish your first lap. However, your trials have only begun.

On top of the morbidly obese jewish man who reeks of a lethal combination of sweat and garlic, your next obstacle is the lumbering Koopa King and his pint-sized cohort Bowser Jr., driving side-by-side, creating a sort of spike-covered barricade with their hardy shells.

Up ahead is a long, narrow tunnel, and all four of you have just broken past a wall of item boxes. Will whatever the item box yields be your saving grace, or will you be reduced to a bloody pulp on the pavement like Waluigi?

You overhear Wario cackling devilishly as yet another Bob-Omb has shown up in his hand. Behind him, Bowser and Bowser Jr. throw you a nasty glance, with Sr. holding a red shell, and Jr. holding a green.

When the item roulette stops on the dashboard of your go-kart, you realize what a terrible situation you've found yourself in.

... A mushroom. _That's it._

Of all the unique and powerful items you could have received to help you in your desperate hour, this cheap, RNG-ridden piece of shit racing game gives you a mushroom.

If you stay behind the crew, you'll wind up being blown to bits by Wario's Bob-Omb. If you use the mushroom to try to boost forward, you'll be hit by either Bowser's red shell or Jr.'s green, knocking you out of your kart. The enclosed passageway is approaching quickly, so you have to make a choice.

You take the risk and use the mushroom. With great force, you're launched forward with a jolt, briefly losing control of the steering wheel, which sends you careening down the road.

Fumbling to tame your vehicle, you swerve sharply to the right, bumping into Bowser Jr., which knocks the shell out of his hand. The force is enough to give the reptilian toddler whiplash.

You continue flying forward uncontrollably, and in the flurry of blurred movements coming his way, Bowser Sr. tosses his red shell in panic.

Overhearing the clamor, Wario glances over his shoulder to find you whizzing towards him at incredible speed, and he drops the Bob-Omb onto the road in a state of utter confusion. The Bob-Omb starts ticking, counting down its final moments before detonation as it stands on the road.

Its fuse burns down all the way, and by some miracle, you manage to stay clear of the blast, which ultimately engulfs the unfortunate Koopa King and his son in flames and debris. Both vehicles are launched into the air, and then crash down in a bloody, metal heap.

As this happens, the red shell Bowser threw previously homes in on its target: Wario's chunky, gelatinous ass. It hits the stocky jew with such force that it knocks him head over heels onto the pavement. The shock of his weight as it makes contact with the ground is enough to generate a small quake that's felt across the earth.

Sweating profusely, heart aching from violent palpitations, you regain control of both your kart and your senses. Talk about a _close call!_

You eventually pass the finish line and begin your second lap. Everything seems to be going more smoothly this time around. Toad passes by quickly and pays you no mind, either due to his good nature, or wanting to show a bit of sportsmanship by not being an arrogant asshole like Wario or Waluigi.

Partway through your second lap you spot Mario quite a distance ahead being tailgated by the princess of Sarasaland: Daisy. She's taunting him like the hideous shedevil she is.

Even over the sound of roaring kart engines, her loud, obnoxious voice can be heard from where you are, and it's enough to make you angry. Suddenly, the entire world around you fades, leaving just you and her.

 _You must destroy her at all costs._

The next line of item boxes approaches, but one of them is a false one, unbeknownst to Mario. You try to warn him, but it's too late.

Mario unknowingly collides with the fake item box, and the impact throws him forward and out of his vehicle with a crash while Daisy drives on, laughing cruelly at his demise.

You drive past the fallen plumber, going through a genuine item box in the process, now intent on destroying the butter-faced brunette more than ever before.

Your item roulette stops. This time the Mario Kart gods are in your favor, as they have bestowed upon you a Power Star.

Without hesitation, you activate it, and your body starts to glow with an otherworldly light. Your kart gains significant speed, and it's not long before you catch up to the cackling tyrant who will NEVER EVER be relevant in a non-sports title ever again.

Daisy, in some futile attempt to dodge your glowing form, snakes back and forth across the road, desperate to escape, knowing her fate should she fail. You can see the fear on her ugly, bloated face through her rear-view mirror.

But you shed no mercy. Your kart merely nudges hers, and Daisy is sent skyrocketing off the road and over a nearby cliff side. She screams at the top of her lungs as she plunges into the abyss, and this ear-piercing shriek resounds as she continues to fall further into the endless chasm... Then it fades, followed by a dull explosion. She is presumed dead. Your Power Star power fades shortly after.

You hear a familiar sound. Coming up from behind is none other than Mario, looking much more confident now that the shitfaced sovereign has been eliminated from the race. He remains silent, but gives you a thumbs-up in return for the favor.

Out of kindness, you let him take the lead. _What a chill-ass motherfucker._

You pass by the crash site of Waluigi, whose gangly limbs are jutting out of the smoking, mangled frame of his kart, then what remains of Bowser and his son, and eventually Wario's blubbery, unconscious body lying next to his overturned motorcycle. Before you know it, you're on your final lap, and you've even taken third place. Not bad!

Just as things have calmed down, the sputtering of a tiny go-kart gradually comes within hearing range, and you glance over your shoulder. It's none other than Peach!

 _... as a baby?_

You stare a long while at the infant and seriously begin to doubt your sanity. Are babies even allowed to drive? How does she know how to in the first place? Did someone actually sit and teach her? What the ever-living FUCK is going on? You can tolerate talking dinosaurs, walking mushrooms and even gorillas wearing neckties, but a baby driving a go-kart just pushes all the wrong buttons for some reason.

An actual baby is driving in a race riddled with malicious motorists, explosives and other hazardous obstacles. You wonder what sick person approved of such a morbid idea.

While you're lost in thought, the tiny princess drives ahead of you, leaving you to trail behind. You continue to stare blankly, bemused by the thought of a mere child driving in such a dangerous environment.

When your kart starts to drift off the road, you shake your head and quickly regain focus, but with so many puzzled thoughts buzzing around in your head, how _can_ you focus?

Before you can fully grasp the situation, out of seemingly nowhere, the most malodorous smell to ever grace the earth passes your olfactory senses.

At first you wonder if it's the smell of rotting, burning flesh, or if a sewer line has burst somewhere as result of all the commotion. And then it hits you.

 _It's shit._

It's actual, literal shit festering within the cotton bastille encasing the baby princess's pelvis.

This deadly perfume could put the aroma of a hundred dead skunks to shame, and you're getting a free sample. How such a repugnant stench could have come from the puckered pooper of such a small, innocent child transcends beyond any human understanding.

 _It's the smell of death._

You find yourself choking back gag reflexes, but a bit of stomach acid finds its way up your esophagus, regardless of your efforts.

You start to cough, hocking up mucus and other internal fluids as a result. As you try to catch your breath, you mistakenly inhale another cloud of the noxious fume effervescing from the princess's royal treasury.

This only worsens your condition, and it's not long before you throw up a yellow-orange glob of stomach fluid and undigested carrots. You don't even remember eating carrots.

The star goddess Rosalina, now thinking she's a hot shot because of her sudden influx of popularity and shoehorned appearances, enters the scene.

She's armed with a green shell and is about to pummel you when she sniffs the air and grimaces. Before she can develop any kind of legitimate response, her Luma companion drops dead from the toxic smell and gets left behind. Concern over her little star buddy soon grasps her utmost attention, and Rosalina foolishly glances over her shoulder in shock.

She drives over the undigested carrots, and it's all over.

Your puddle of vomit, acting as an oil slick, causes Rosalina to veer out of control and into a guardrail, sending her headfirst into some gravel. The resulting impact splits her skull down the center, killing her instantly. A pool of blood forms around her cranium, and bits of gray matter are scattered here and there, too.

You finally decide that you can't take anymore.

You bring your kart to the side of the road and try to give yourself a rest. If trying to win first place meant getting another whiff of Baby Peach's spicy dijon mustard, then you were certainly willing to give it up.

The sound of kart engines approaches, and then a screech of tires.

You hear a loud grunt, followed by animalistic chattering. Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong, who are buddy-buddy with one another, have spotted Rosalina's lifeless body.

"OOH," says the giant ape, curiously prodding a lump of Rosalina's brain matter, and then proceeding to pick it up, only to have it slip out from between his fingers. It bounces like jello upon hitting the pavement. He pays no heed to the corpse.

Diddy Kong is sniffing at the puddle of vomit that resulted in this recent disaster with keen interest. He takes a piece of carrot and eats it, chewing slowly and deliberately. He jumps up in excitement and points at the puddle like he's just discovered the Holy Grail, and Donkey Kong pounds his chest like goddamn Tarzan before also tossing a piece of your mysterious stomach vegetable into his gaping maw.

This alluring display goes on for a while, until no more of the acidic stew is left, after which both Donkey and Diddy Kong drive away to finish the race. By this time, Rosalina's body is already starting to draw the attention of flies.

You decide to follow the primates' example and climb back into your kart to finally put an end to this entire thing.

* * *

The sun is hovering just over the horizon when you and the two Kongs arrive at the celebration of the race's winners: Toad, Mario and Baby Peach, who have taken first, second and third place, respectively. When officials are contacted about the remaining racers, it seems you're the only ones who managed to survive.

As the day comes to a close, and everyone is heading home, you spot Wario, still out-cold, being carried away on a hospital bed by several dozen medics, and a chalk outline of Rosalina's body further down the road, surrounded by lines of barricade tape and members of a detective agency investigating the grisly spectacle.

Mario Kart in a nutshell.


End file.
